


The Human Condition Of Love And Loss

by Osmanited2017



Category: Pointless (UK TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28801332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Osmanited2017/pseuds/Osmanited2017
Summary: Richard can't tell Xander how he feels, but after the loss of a friend he's going to have to tell him eventually.
Relationships: Alexander Armstrong/Richard Osman, Richard Osman/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

Richard sat at his desk staring blankly at the answer sheets before him as the world moved around him. Crew members changed the podiums, and a make-up woman was touching up Xander’s face, giving a concerned look over to Richard but deciding to leave him be.

“Rich, you okay?” Xander whispered, hoping their microphones were turned off as they were meant to be.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Without the need to look up, Xander knew there were a few audience members watching them despite the warm up guy’s best efforts to keep their focus on him.

Gently, he patted Richard on the shoulder and returned to his podium and waited for filming to continue.

It made Richard smile at how much Xander cared, and he appreciated it more than words could say.

Even though he’d known Xander from their University days, he couldn’t say he knew him all that well originally.

In Uni they were in different social circles and it was by chance at particular TV meetings that they came across each other again, often making the “We should work together sometime” comment.

 _Pointless_ was what made it finally happen, and as they continued to work together, spending 4 days a week in each other’s company for several months of the year, Richard found himself becoming more and more attracted to Xander, but he couldn’t tell him, even when Xander told him about his divorce. They had a great working relationship and were great friends outside of the studio. He just couldn’t risk losing that.

Instead he’d found refuge with the help of Leo, another one of his university friends, whom Richard had known was gay even back then.

Frustrated by his feelings, Leo offered an ear to listen to his woes of unrequited love, and soon it was more than just an ear on offer.

Like the angel he always was, he offered himself to Richard, never caring that it was Xander’s name cried under his breath repeatedly during orgasm.

Richard would apologise afterwards, but Leo always assured him that it was okay, and certainly safer than him going out to fuck someone with would no doubt blab to the papers for their 5 minutes of fame and leave Richard’s career in tatters.

Then the phone call came early one morning that would change everything in the form of a car crash involving Leo and a drunk driver. Leo died at the scene.

Richard felt like he’d just lost a brother, and it took at his strength to still walk into the studio that day to continue filming. In the dressing room he sat staring into space, still as a statue and not responding to anything going on around him.

Instantly Xander knew something was wrong and politely asked the make-up ladies to give them some private time. Richard felt a degree of embarrassment as he sobbed on the smaller man who was holding him in a somewhat awkward but gentle embrace.

Kind words were softly spoken as he started to calm down again, and he allowed himself to revel in every single second he got to spend in his friend’s arms without question or judgement. Oh how he wished that this could be a normal thing.

But what if things went wrong like all his past relationships did?

Having let out some of his grief, he put on a brave face and insisted they continued with the day’s schedule as planned despite Xander’s initial hesitance.

For the most part, no one noticed Richard was off in any way, and by the time they’d returned to his dressing room for the final time that day, Xander was there holding him again.

The tears weren’t as powerful a force on him this time, but it still felt good to let it out.

“I’m sorry.” He said for the third time that day as Xander gently rubbed his back.

“No apology necessary. It’s okay, really it is. I know what it’s like to lose someone you’re close to. Look, if you want a day off tomorrow, I’m sure we can sort it out.”

“No, Xander I appreciate it, really I do, but if I’m not here focusing on facts and such I’m just going to be moping at home all day.”

“Okay. Well…I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks. You really did help me get through today.”

Richard gave him a small smile and with a gentle pat on the back Xander left to get changed.

A part of him wanted to ask Xander back to his place, but feared he may be pushing his luck. He’d already had so much of the other man’s attention today as it was.

The funeral when it came was just as difficult. The fact he’d been invited was a surprise to him, and he took it because he owed him that much. He talked to a few people, merely stating they had been Uni friends who’d stayed in touch, but not much more.

There was no one at the funeral that he knew, not even anyone else from Uni that he recognised, so going on to the wake afterwards didn’t appeal to him.

His saving grace came when Xander texted offering to pick him up from the cemetery, and he wasn’t going to say no. Seeing the familiar car pull up before made him feel more calm and grounded than he’d felt all day, and as Xander drove them to their next destination, he remained silent.

It wasn’t really what he wanted, but he decided it could be a private wake of sorts in a quiet pub they’d found a few years back that they could get a pint and some peace; just him and Xander.

Every time they stopped at traffic lights, Xander looked over at the other man with concern.

“We don’t have to go to the pub if you don’t want to.” He said, briefly touching his wrist, “I can take you straight home.”

“No, I want to, just for one drink.”

“If you change your mind just say so, okay?”

Oh that voice, so gentle and caring. Richard couldn’t bear look at him so settled for staring out the window as fresh tears built up in his eyes.

Sat in a booth that was hidden away in a corner, the silence continued. Xander bit his lip, his hand reaching for the glass. Did he have the right to do this? Possibly not, but it might at least break the silence.

“To Leo.” He said, raising his pint.

Richard mirrored the action before taking several large gulps from the glass.

Placing it down, he stared at a coaster that he then picked up and started to spin between his fingers. He was sat with the man he loved on the day they buried the man who acted as a replacement.

Overall Richard didn’t say much, but neither did Xander push him into talking. Keeping to just the one pint and ordering them both some sandwiches, Xander drove him home, noticing how Richard was trying to discreetly wipe away more tears.

Pulling up outside Richard’s house, he was unsure what came next.

“Rich?”

Richard jumped and looked around, realising they were home.

“Thanks for dropping me back, and for this afternoon. I really appreciate it. I only wish I could have been better company.”

“It’s okay, really it is.” He took in Richard’s strained expression as he fought to stay passive, “Did you want me to come in for a while so you can clear some grief?”

“No. Thank you, but you’ve already been good enough to me. I need a bit of alone time.”

“That’s fine,” he gently touched the bigger man’s hand, “but remember, I’m just a phone call away so please don’t hesitate to call if and when you need someone.”

“I don’t deserve someone as kind as you.” His voice strained as he spoke, “Thank you.”

Xander smiled, giving the large hand a gentle squeeze before breaking contact again.

“Yes you do, because you’re a great person too. Take care.”

“Yes. You too.”

Watching Richard ascend the steps to his front door, Xander had to fight the urge to park up properly and follow him anyway.

With the front door closed, Richard let the grief flow. There was probably still time to ask Xander to come in, but he decided he needed to get it all out on his own for now.

Slowly walking up the stairs, he took off as much clothing as he could be bothered with, letting them drop to the floor, and collapsed into the bed, sobbing into the pillows.

Still parked up outside, Xander sat for a good 10 minutes or so in case he changed his mind, but when he didn’t get called in he knew he had to just accept that Richard could look after himself.

After having let out his grief, the rest of Richard’s day was spent slowly consuming a bottle of Baileys until the silence was broken by a text from Xander.

\- Are you doing ok? x

Yess. Tanks again for the support. I love you so much an  
I don’t know what id do without you in my life  
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx -

Xander read the text and shook his head with a sad smile. Still, he’d known such grief and also got drunk the same day as the funeral, but he at least had Hannah for emotional support.

-Take care. Don’t hesitate to contact me if  
you need anything. x

As months passed, returning to masturbation wasn’t too bad, but it wasn’t the same.

The sex toy site promised “discreet packaging” for its deliveries, and Richard prayed the driver who delivered it didn’t read the bar code sticker that gave some clue as to the contents.

Removing the rubber backside from its packaging, he squeezed it and marvelled at the soft feel of it. Cast moulded in a doggy style position, and even with a pair of testicles on it, he decided it would be the closest he’d get for now. Pushing his finger into the rubberized anus, he was amazed at its suction as he removed it again.

The toy certainly did the job, and he enjoyed being as rough and fast with it as he wanted, but after the last of the pleasure fizzled out inside him, he remembered how much he missed the warmth of human skin.

Afterwards came the cleanup, which he followed instructions diligently whilst feeling a small pang of shame at what he’d been reduced to. The sensible part of him however knew this was the safest option.

Then came the night that happened every now and then when they were filming and Xander would spend the night at his place.

Now free of intrusive microphones, ear pieces and an audience, Xander was fully relaxed on Richard’s sofa with a bottle of beer in hand. His shirt had an extra couple of buttons undone, revealing teasing curls of chest hair and his mouth set in a dopey grin as he talked at length about something. His chocolate brown eyes seemed to sparkle with enthusiasm.

Richard wasn’t really properly listening to what he was saying, instead drinking in the sight before him and trying to keep his expression passive. Fuck, he wanted this man so much it hurt.

Instead he merely nodded at whatever was being said, and soon Xander could sense he was talking to himself and looked at his watch.

“Aaanyway, I am knackered, so I think I’ll turn in for the night.”

Downing the last of his drink, he stood, grinning as the words finally sank in.

“Oh yes, right, well then, the spare room is made up already so just go on through. If you need anything just let me know.”

“Thanks Rich. Sleep well.”

“Yes you too.”

Once Richard could hear Xander’s snores down the hall, he closed his bedroom door and sought out his toy. He stopped for a moment, holding it in his hands and sighed.

Was this fair? The man he imagined he’s fucking was right now under the same roof and just down the hall.

For a moment he considered just having a quick wank and get it over with, but he knew it wouldn’t be enough. Not with how delectable Xander looked on his sofa tonight.

At a time like this he was thankful his bed was still squeak free, so after checking one last time that Xander was out for the night, he made quick work of stripping his clothes, retrieving the lubricant from his bedside cabinet and returned to the bed.

As he pounded into the rubber orifice, in his mind he saw Xander back on the sofa; that grin set in a teasing stance and his shirt completely undone revealing the curly chest hair he wanted to run his fingers through.

“And now,” Xander was saying, resting his hand on the waistband of his trousers, “this one.” The button was undone and the zip was pulled down, revealing he had no underwear on underneath.

It brought back memories of the ‘Nude Practice’ sketches Xander had done with Ben Miller where they were naked the whole time and sometimes the cameras didn’t hide everything.

It was the only time Richard was able to properly gaze upon Xander’s body without fear of getting caught and the sight was burned into his memory forever.

With a silent cry, Richard came, panting hard as he thrust a few last times and collapsed down onto it.

“Oh fuck, Xander.” He whispered under his breath.

Suitably sated, he took it to his en suite to clean it. His eyelids growing heavy in a mixture of his own tiredness and the post orgasm haze, he filled it with the cleaning fluid followed by water and left it upright to soak in the shower cubical until the morning.

Quickly cleaning himself up a bit, he returned to his bed and lay down. He missed the pillow talk and snuggling that came after sex, and once the orgasm euphoria had died down it made him feel empty inside and a bit shameful.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard finds himself in an embarrassingly awkward situation, and Xander can't make up his mind.

When Richard woke the next morning he could already hear Xander moving around.

Yawning, he put his glasses on and checked the time to find it was 6:30. Xander always was an early bird, and he felt it would be rude to remain asleep. After all, he could probably have a nap later on.

As he slipped his jeans on there was a knock on his door.

“Rich? Are you awake?”

Slipping a shirt on, he poked his head round the door.

“Morning Xander, is everything okay?”

Xander stood before him, naked apart a towel wrapped around his waist and Richard somehow managed to keep passive and not let his eyes wander.

“Sorry, I just...umm no actually, we have a problem.”

Both heading to the bathroom, Xander demonstrated the shower and particularly how the water was shooting out of a split in the hose.

“Fuck, sorry. I knew there was something I’d needed to get fixed.” He sighed, “I’m really sorry about that. Look, just use my en suite one instead.”

“Thanks.”

Richard let him go and fiddled with the hose, inspecting how bad the split in it was. He knew he had something that needed dealing with, but with his was mind focused on the filming blocks for that week it had easily been forgotten.

Suddenly another thought crossed his mind and he then remembered the night before.

Almost taking the stairs two at a time back to his bedroom, he silently cursed as he found he was indeed too late.

Xander stood looking away from the shower and blushing.

Blushing just as brightly, Richard couldn’t look the smaller man in the eye as he shuffled past him.

“Sorry, let me just get that out of your way.”  
  


Quickly taking the offending item, he kept it from view as he left. Not that there was any point because Xander surely saw it long enough to know what it was.

All Richard wanted in that moment was for the ground to open up and swallow him whole or to be able to go back in time.

Quickly he stashed it in the bottom of the wardrobe and left the bedroom feeling like his world was in crisis around him.

What must Xander think of him?

Now completely on edge, he paced between the kitchen and living room repeatedly, muttering to himself and running his hands through his hair.

This was a disaster!

No, come on now, this is Xander. He’s not going to mock you for this, or even if he does, it will be something that will between them and no one else. He isn’t a bastard and it’s not like he’s really doing anything wrong in owning it.

Forcing himself to be preoccupied with something that would stop him pacing, he boiled the kettle and poured out two cups of tea. He heard Xander moving around upstairs and then the footsteps came down. Sitting down at the table he wished his mug contained something a lot stronger than tea.

Eyes trained on the wood grain surface, he couldn’t look up when Xander walked in.

“I made you tea.” He murmured feeling embarrassed.

“Thanks.”

Well at least Xander wasn’t running out of the place the first chance he got. Instead, he sat opposite him at the table, fingers tapping on the tabletop momentarily. He’d been in the shower longer than usual, thinking whether he should talk about it or not, and what the best way of doing it was.

“Rich, can I ask you something?”

Richard shrugged before murmuring,

“I guess.”

“You and Leo…were you two in a relationship?”

“Not exactly, no. It was more of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement.”

“I see.” Xander replied, taking a mouthful of tea and choosing his words carefully, “You know, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think I’d rather you finding ways of satisfying your needs without paying for sex with someone who would then go and tell any paper who would pay for their five minutes of fame.”

Richard couldn’t help but smile at his words.

“Leo said exactly the same when we started…He was good to me, even before we took things as far as we did...He really helped me deal with my needs and didn’t ask for anything in return. I miss him more as a friend than a fuck buddy though. On reflection I feel I took advantage of him, and I really hate myself for it.”

“I’d have never had you down for that sort of thing. I thought you’d at least have had enough confidence to tell me.”

“Why? It was just sex, that’s all. I wasn’t in love with him that way.”

“Then what or whom did you think about if you weren’t actually attracted to him?”

For a moment Richard was prepared to just tell him the truth, but just as quickly he bottled it again, his face turned red with embarrassment. After a few moments of silence Xander reached over and gently patted his arm.

“It’s okay. I know it’s none of my business. I just…Don’t feel you can’t tell anyone about your sexuality, okay? There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

“Thanks...Are you doing anything tonight?”

The words jumped from Richard’s mouth before he had a chance to think about it. What was he doing?!

“Not exactly.”

“I was just…” he racked his brain for an excuse, “It was nice having someone else here last night to talk to and wondered...”

“What’s for dinner?”

“Takeaway of your choice? I’ll be paying.”

“You’re on. I’ll be back around six. Is that okay?”

“That’s fine.”

“Great.”

Xander looked at his watch before quickly drinking down the rest of his tea. He shouldn’t have spent so long in the shower.

“I’ve got to go as I’m in the studio for _Hey Duggee_ recordings this morning, “I’ll see you tonight then.”

“Yes, alright then...A-woof!”

“Stay out of trouble, Duggee!” He boomed back in his narrator voice.

After hearing the front door close, Richard put his head in his hands and huffed out a long sigh of relief. He was quite frankly astonished that Xander took the offer.

What if Xander was interested in him? Why didn’t he just admit his feelings when he had the chance?

For crying out loud, this is the man who comforted him as he sobbed on him repeatedly over a couple of days after Leo’s death.

This was still different though, and he knew Xander could be sensitive about some things, and if it caused awkwardness between them, it could ruin everything.

He eventually finished cleaning the toy and went so far as to pack it in its box and hide it, hating himself for what he put himself through.

As the day wore on, Richard had actually expected a rushed text from Xander excusing himself from returning that evening, but much to his surprise at 6pm on the dot the man was on his doorstep again like the awkwardness of that morning had never happened.

Their routine felt like normal, but Richard was still rather skittish as he popped open two bottles of Stella Artois and handed over the take away leaflet

“Choose whatever you want, it’s on me.”

“Rich, you don’t have to worry, okay? A lot of people buy those sorts of things. In fact,” Xander looked down at the leaflet, blushing before looking up to meet his eye again, “I must confess that I myself have one. Well a female one to be precise.”

It was slightly comical how Richard stared at him, and Xander couldn’t help but let out a little chuckle.

“I’m not exactly going out to find someone just for a quick shag either.”

With the meal ordered the two men took up the sofa with beer bottles in hand. Normally Richard would wait until they were at least on their second bottle before asking such questions, but since it was already the talking point, he’d might as well keep on with it.

“Do you…miss the after sex snuggling and pillow talk?”

“Of course. Just even having a warm body beside me would be enough.”

“Why haven’t you been dating again then? Surely you could find someone easier than I could.”

“To be honest with you, mate, I’m just tired of it all. I’m hitting fifty, got four kids who I see most weekends and I just...I can’t decide any more what I want out of life. Meeting new women when they know me as the TV presenter or comedian, there’s those expectations that have that they may be disappointed when I’m not completely like my TV persona, you know?”

Richard swallowed, opening his mouth to speak again when the doorbell interrupted him.

The conversation was swiftly dropped and they happily ate their fill whilst watching a movie that neither really paid much attention to.

Stomachs satisfied and both on their third beer, Richard felt bold enough to bring the subject up again.

“Xander.”

“Hmm?”

“I need to tell you something.” He turned the TV off to make sure full attention was on him, “I know that this will probably come out wrong or something but…as I said before, Leo was helping me deal with my urges. That’s because…because I knew I couldn’t have you.”

Xander stared in awe at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish as he properly processed the words.

“Look,” Richard continued, feeling slightly panicked, “I completely understand if you don’t want to be involved with me that way. I just felt I owed you the truth.”

“Richard, I—I’m flattered, really I am, but…” he faltered, watching disappointment and embarrassment spread across the other man’s face.

“No its fine…really it is. As I said before, I understand.”

“I do appreciate you being honest though...So was I...Did you use that thing last night whilst thinking of me?”

Richard hid his face, making Xander take pity on him and pat him on the back.

“I’m flattered.” He said again, “I think it’s time I got some sleep. I’ve got another day in the studio tomorrow.”

That night Richard didn’t dare use it again; paranoid that Xander may be listening out for the slightest sound.

A few months had passed and Xander watched as a younger male crew member leaned down and whispered something in Richard’s ear before giving him a wink and walking off again.

He’d had his suspicions something had changed when Richard’s mood off camera had become a little bit brighter and he’d seen the same crew member, Michael by name, come out of Richard’s dressing room a couple of times in recent weeks.

Without realising at first, Xander gritted his teeth and when he noticed he frowned. He’d had his chance practically put on a plate before him, but turned it down. So what if Richard had moved on? He was entitled to anyway.

Another week passed and something inside Xander finally snapped. With dogged determination, he drove to Richard’s with a bottle of white wine he knew the man would like.

Scanning the cars parked nearby, he saw no sign of Michael’s mini cooper and hoped it meant Richard was home and alone.

Ringing the bell, he hopped foot-to-foot in anticipation, feeling relief when he saw the familiarly tall shadow through the frosted glass at the top of the door

“Oh, Xander, come in.”

“I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“No, not at all.”

He stood aside and welcomed Xander in.

“Good, I just felt we hadn’t done this in a while.”

“Well not since…last time.”

“I come bearing a gift of wine.”

On the way over, Xander had tried to rationalise his thinking, but staring at this man before him, a man who opened his heart to him and he turned him down, he could feel himself weaken all too easily.

“That’s great. Thank you.”

“I…” he started, cursing himself, “Oh fuck it, who am I kidding?”

Richard frowned in confusion as his hands were suddenly being held by the shorter man.

“Rich, I was a coward; a coward and a fool. You confessed your love to me and I turned you down when I really shouldn’t have. I love you, Rich, and I want you.”

He went silent, waiting for a reaction.

“Well now…that’s too bad.”

Richard broke contact and Xander’s heart sank.

“You and Michael?”

“Yes, he cares about my feelings.”

“And you think I don’t?!”

His frustration grew when Richard didn’t answer.

“Well? Look, I’m sorry that I didn’t immediately jump on your cock the minute you offered it to me, but—”

“How DARE you! This was not about getting sex out of you; it was about being about the fact that I loved you.”

Loved?

“But I—I was— I love you too. I-I always have, but I just…I couldn’t admit it to myself that it was like that.”

Richard refused to look at him, his face turning red with unspoken anger. Anything that could have been repairable in this had been destroyed by Xander’s words and he knew it.

“I’m sorry…I’d better go. Keep the wine. I know it’s one you like which is why I bought it. I’m sorry.”

Getting up, he left the room, making sure to not leave too fast in the hopes Richard might call him back and they could talk, but it was only wishful thinking on his part. He’d fucked it.

Closing the front door with a slam, Xander furiously wiped away tears as he got back into his car, hitting the steering wheel in frustration several times whilst yelling “STUPID!” repeatedly to himself.

They’d never argued like this...they’d never really argued at all. Disagreements, yes, but they found a centre ground or apologised before voices became raised and tempers flared.

Trying to calm himself, he spent a good 20 minutes still parked up as he tried to think through a plan to go back to talk to him.

The plans however were at an immediate halt as he saw a mini cooper pull up and Michael swiftly going from the car to the front door. Richard must’ve called him. And like a good man, he came to comfort his lover.

There was no way he could talk to him now without probably making things worse.

He tried to focus his mind on driving so he could get back home as soon as possible with the plan to get blind stinking drunk. They still had filming to do the next day, but he decided to hell with it. After tonight it was going to be hard filming together and pretending everything was fine anyway.

The screech of tires to his left caught his attention and as he turned his head to look, the car was shunted full force, rolling over before resting on its wheels again.

He heard sirens and briefly noticed blue flashing lights before blacking out.


	3. Chapter 3

Richard almost walked into the glass automatic door in his haste to get in and ignored the queue of people as he approached the front desk.

The receptionist looked at the man whose face was wet with tears and knew instantly who he was and why he was here. Thankfully a nurse also recognised him and took him aside.

“Please come this way.”

“Where is he? Can I See him? Are his parents here yet? What ward is he in? Please!” his voice became more desperate as he spoke.

“Its okay, Mr Osman, now calm down.”

“Richard!”

Xander’s father’s voice sounded like a blessing in that moment and Richard turned in its direction, throwing a quick “Thank you” to the nurse and approaching the older man.

“What happened? Is Xander okay? Please can I see him?”

“Okay, calm down, it’s okay; Alexander is in a stable condition. Come on, follow me.”

Mr Armstrong nodded to the nurse who let them go. Walking down corridors that all looked the same, Richard felt anxious and guilty. Why did this happen? Was it deliberate? Was it because of their fight?

The machines Xander was hooked up to beeped and hummed as they did their job to keep him alive. Richard stood rooted in the doorway a moment before he finally approached the bed.

“Hello dear.” Xander’s mother said upon seeing him, “He’s...in a coma right now, but it’s probably for the best to help his broken ribs heal.”

“Oh Xander. Did…did he crash the car on purpose?”

“No. According to the police he was hit by a drunk driver they were pursuing. He wouldn’t even have had time to react. The only blessing was they hit the passenger side of the car and not his side otherwise…it would have been worse…Why would he crash his car on purpose?”

“We...had an argument and he left my place upset. Can I have a moment alone with him?”

Mrs Armstrong gently squeezed his hand.

“Alright dear. Take the time you need.”

Now alone, he finally slumped into a chair next to the bed and looked again at his friend..

“Please, not again.” He whispered under his breath as his hand gently brushed the side of Xander’s face whilst making sure to avoid a cut above his left eye, “I’m sorry. If only you’d stayed last night, then you wouldn’t…This is all my fault.” He let out a small sob, “Please Xander, hang in there, because if I lose you too…I just can’t.”

He couldn’t say anything more, but merely sobbed. Yes he had been angry, but he never expected or wanted something like this to happen.

After a half hour of private grieving, he was interrupted by a nurse.

“Oh! Oh, I’m sorry.” She said when she saw him.

“No, it’s fine.” He said, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his jumper.

She gave him a sad smile, approaching Xander to check vitals. Her mother was a massive fan of ‘Pointless’, but she knew now wasn’t the time to mention it. Even worse she hadn’t said anything to her about her famous patient, even thought a part of her wanted to.

“He’s in a good stable condition and is breathing well on his own. I’ve seen quite a few who have had to have a tube put down their throat to keep their lungs working, but our patient here is clearly made of stronger stuff.”

Richard nodded and knew she was trying to make him hopeful, but it did nothing to make him feel better.

“I’m er,” he stood, “just going to pop outside to make a phone call. You’ll be able to do your job easier that way.”

“You’re not in my way.”

Despite her assurance, he left and found an empty waiting room nearby, pulling his phone from his pocket. He’d had it on silent since he got there, so it came as no surprise that it had several missed calls and a mountain of texts and Twitter DM alerts from friends and family.

He text back a few people, mainly his mum and brother, but the rest he couldn’t reply to. After all it probably wasn’t his place to say anything when he basically knew very little apart from the fact that the man he loved was still alive but unreachable.

==================The night before================

Richard paced the room muttering under his breath to himself.

How dare he? Is that really all Xander thought he wanted from him?

Clasping the bottle of wine, he gazed at it a moment before throwing it into the kitchen sink, the neck smashing and some of the contents spilling out down the plug hole.

Why now? Why when he’d settled with someone else? This wasn’t fair!

His mobile rang and he picked it up, ready to hang up but seeing it was Michael. Trying to suppress his anger as best he could, he answered it, his hand shaking as he held it to his ear.

“H-hello.”

“Rich? What’s wrong? You sound troubled.”

“Xander. That bastard.”

Michael sighed.

“Oh Rich. Listen, I’m on my way over anyway. Give me about ten minutes, okay?”

“Are you sure you want to right now?”

“Is Xander still there?”

“No. No he’s gone. He comes here, insults me then storms out. That.” He suppressed whatever else he wanted to say, merely saying “He’s gone.” again.

“I’ll be there soon. Hang in there.”

“Thanks.”

When Michael pulled up he could see Xander was in his car still parked not far away, but made sure to ignore him. He wasn’t up for a fight tonight, and certainly didn’t want to risk getting fired. Did Xander have that power? Probably, but then he didn’t want to put Richard in a difficult situation either.

The front door opened before he had a chance to ring the bell, and he slipped in, immediately wrapping his arms rather awkwardly around the taller man who was close to tears.

“I’m sorry.” Richard murmured.

“For what? I was coming here anyway whether you two argued or not. Now come on, I’ll make us some tea and we’ll talk. Go sit down.”

“Okay. I erm, just...just be careful of the broken bottle in the sink.”

They talked for several hours, and ended the evening in bed. Michael once again said nothing when it was Xander’s name said under Richard’s breath as he came. It didn’t happen every time, but when it did...it hurt.

Richard told him that he would be calling in sick in the morning so they didn’t have to film, and as they parted, he was held longer than usual in the bigger man’s strong arms.

“Take care.”

“Yes. You too.”

The kiss was unenthusiastic from both sides and he left like he always did. He never stayed the night.

=================================

An emergency call was put over the tannoy and Richard’s heart beat faster in his chest, almost running along the corridor until he saw staff pass by Xander’s room to where the emergency was. Breathing a sigh of relief, he leaned against the nearest wall.

His phone vibrated again and saw Michael’s number on the screen. Did he know what happened?

“Hello Michael. I—I’m sorry but I won’t be able to make it tonight.”

“I know. It’s already on the news. How is he holding up?”

“He’s in a coma.”

“Did you want me to come?”

“No, thank you, but…I’m fine.”

Michael sighed.

“Rich. I really hope he pulls through.”

“Thanks. You and me both.”

“And when he does…can you both just stop this silly behaviour and just love each other?”

“I…What?”

“Come on, I know you love him, and whilst I didn’t exactly mind you using me as a substitute I think it’s a waste of both our time when he’s who you really love.”

“Any show you want to work on for Endemol in the future let me know and I’ll put a good word in.”

“Sounds good to me, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

“I am sorry.”

“For what?”

“Using you.”

“Don’t be...I knew what my place was from the start and I could have said no if it wasn’t something I was willing to be a part of.”

“Then why?”

“I’ve not exactly been on Grindr seeking a quick fuck or anything, not that that was all we had going on but...I knew I would be safe with you. You’re a good guy, and I like you, but we could never be a serious relationship, especially when your heart clearly lies elsewhere. ”

“You are a wonderful guy, and you’ll make someone very loved...the way you made me feel.”

“Take care of yourself, and let me know how he does.”

“I shall. Thank you.”

Michael hung up and Richard had to take a moment to process the conversation fully. He is a lovely guy, and they had enjoy each other’s company. The man was a great cook, as was Xander, and had a gentle and kind smile...like Xander.

Shaking his head, he returned to Xander’s room where nothing had changed. He didn’t think to see what the time was or whether he was expected to leave, but since no one was saying anything he stayed put.

Over the weeks that followed, he stopped in regularly to sit at his bedside, watching the man breathe and silently pray that he was going to eventually wake up and be okay.

He talked to him about work and other things, just in the hope that Xander was listening. As he would stand to leave, he would lean in close to whisper “I love you.” Then watch to see if it gained any reaction.

To his disappointment there was nothing, but he tried to not let it bother him. After all, this wasn’t a Disney film.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the final chapter. Sorry it as taking me quite a while between posting chapters, but I hope you've enjoyed it.   
> Thank you for the comments and kudos.

Xander blinked several times, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light flooding from the window. In his moments of brief consciousness he thought the hospital room was a dream, but no, here he was.

Why was he here though? He tried to think, but it just made his head hurt.

“Hello?” he said, but it came out as barely a whisper.

He tried to move but instead experienced a flourish of pain flow through him, making him yell loud enough that a passerby heard and poked their head around the door.

“Hang on!” the man said, “I’ll call the nurse!”

And like that he was gone again, but a nurse quickly flanked by a doctor appeared in his room.

“Hello Mr Armstrong.” The doctor said cheerily, “Nice to have you back with us.”

“Pain.” Was all he could say, his face showing his agony.  
  


The nurse set about giving him morphine as the doctor looked over his file then back to the man before him.

“Best not move for now. Do you remember anything that lead to you being here?”

Xander shook his head, trying to speak but again failing.  
  


Thankfully the nurse poured him a glass of water, putting it to his lips, tipping it ever so slightly and very carefully watching to make sure he was capable of swallowing.

“Thank you.” He said to her, trying his best to smile.  
  


She smiled in return and started checking his other vitals, reading them to the doctor who noted them all down.  
  


“Now that’s out of the way, do you know your name?”

“Should you have asked me that before if I knew why I’m here?”  
  


The doctor couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle.  
  


“You’re right, but still, please answer the question.”

“Alexander Armstrong, or “that one with the big ears off pointless” if you ask some people.”

“Well I see your sense of humour is still intact. Do you remember anything that happened?”  
  


Xander thought it over, but it was still a hazy blur.  
  


“All I remember is...driving, then blue lights...Richard. Richard Osman. SHIT! He wasn’t in the car with me, was he?!”

“No no, he wasn’t. He’s fine.”

“Oh. Oh thank God for that!”

“Yes. Now, you see this pen?” he slowly moved it back and forth, Xander’s eyes following it, “Now take it from my hand.”  
  


Holding it still, he watched Xander’s arm gradually move up to take it.  
  


“Very good. Now the other arm please.”  
  


Slightly stalled but he again reached up.  
  


“Good. You appear to have quite good motor functions. We will however be sending you for a few tests and such just to make sure your brain is functioning properly.”  
  


Xander didn’t answer, his eyelids growing heavy again as he heard something about a CT scan as soon as possible.

Several hours passed until he came around again. It was his mother’s voice that made him stir, and he felt great relief in seeing her.  
  


“Hello sweetheart. How are you feeling?”

“Like someone’s smashed me up with a sledgehammer. What happened to me? I remember driving but not much else.”

“A drunk driver who was being chased by police jumped the lights and crashed into you. You have three broken ribs, but luckily that seems to be the worst of it.”

“Fuck.” He thought for a moment, trying to take it in “Did the other driver make it?”

“No. He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. The impact of crashing into his own windscreen killed him.”

“How terrible.”

“It is. You’re still here though, and we couldn’t be more grateful. You’ve been in a coma for almost a month now, and Richard has been stopping by every day to see you.”

“Yes I think… I swear I heard him talking to me.” Tears started to build in his eyes, “I think he blames himself for this.”

“Why would he do that? He wasn’t the drunk driver.”

“I know but…” he frowned, trying to remember, “I think…Something happened. Oh God, do you think the marriage is off?”

“Marriage? What marriage?”

“I’m engaged aren’t I?” he asked, staring from one hand to another expecting to see a ring, “Where’s the ring gone?”

“Who are you marrying?”

“Richard, of course!”

“Sweetheart, I think you’re confused.”

“But I swear...we were...” he frowned, “we had an argument. I said...something. He was angry. I left. Oh shit, I don’t want us to break up! Did he say anything to you about it?”

“No dear, he said nothing. I don’t understand though.”

“Oh thank God. That means...that means we’ll still” he yawned and gave his mum a small smile and closed his eyes again.

She remained by his bedside reading a book, the fourth she’d gotten through since all this began.

“Has Richard been in yet?”

Xander’s voice startled her for a moment, but she smiled when she saw he was looking at her.

“No darling, not yet.”

“I love him, mum.”

“I know, and by how worried Richard was I think he feels the same about you.”

“I hope so.”

“Why do you think he doesn’t?”  
  


Why? Xander thought for several minutes as he tried to remember what happened. Pieces started to join together, or at least enough that he could explain.  
  


“He told me how he felt. I got spooked and rejected him…then when he moved on I got jealous and…”

He yawned, tiredness quickly overcoming him and he drifted back off to sleep.

Fifteen minutes later, he awoke again with the same question.

When Richard received the call he was ecstatic, but he knew he’d neglected his work a lot in recent weeks and would probably do so again soon so decided it was only fair to remain focused on their new show pitch then stop by the hospital after work.

With the majority of the hard graft over, a co-producer, Brian, nudged him.  
  


“Go on mate, we’ll finish up.”

“Thanks. I owe you one.”  
  


Everyone knew Xander had improved, not because it had become public knowledge, but because Richard was back to his cheerful self. It also didn’t escape Brian’s notice that he was looking at his watch on a regular basis like he was willing the work day to end.

Richard didn’t need to be told twice and was ready in barely a minute and was out of the building in five.

Arriving at the hospital, he walked the now familiar route and on opening the door found Xander was alone and asleep.

“Hello Xander, it’s only me.”  
  


Over the weeks he’d gotten used to announcing himself, even if he wasn’t sure if Xander ever heard it.

“A little bird tells me you’ve started coming round again. I don’t suppose you’re in the mood to see me?”  
  


Gently he squeezed the smaller man’s hand, rubbing his thumb along each of the fingers in the hope the touch would bring him around.

The door opened behind him, and he turned to see Xander’s mother in the doorway.  
  


“Richard, can I have a word with you out here for a moment?”

“Yes, of course.” He stood and followed her back out, “Is something wrong?”

“I...I don’t know. You see, Xander said that you and he were engaged.”

“Engaged?!”

She nodded.

“The doctor said he could have easily been confused, as most coma patients are when they start to come around again.”

“Well he must have been because we’re not...but I do love your son.”

“I know.” She smiled, “He feels the same. He told me so Several times.”

Slipping back into the room, he was delighted to find Xander was awake and looking around the room. Their eyes met and Xander gave him a big smile.

“Hello Rich.”

“Hey Xander. Look at you, back to your smiley self already.”

Approaching the bed, he gently squeezed Xander’s hand again, wishing he could properly embrace him but feared causing pain.

“I’m all the better seeing you.”

Behind them, his mother cleared her throat. She could tell that they would probably want some alone time.

“I’m heading to the cafe to get some tea. Would you like anything, Richard?”

“Thank you, but no, I’m fine.”

Once they were alone, Richard’s hand cupped the side of the smaller man’s face, gazing into eyes he’d missed. Gently stroking his cheek, he smiled as tears built up in his eyes.

“Oh god, I was so scared of losing you.”

“Rich, even thirty seconds could have made the difference in me missing the other car; I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m really sorry about what I said. I was completely out of order, and I had no right to stay under your roof for the night after I was so rude and insensitive. You gave me a chance and I rejected it…I’m sure Michael is better for you.”

“Actually Michael and I are finished.”

“I’m sor—”

“No, it’s fine. He knew it couldn’t be serious between us, and he told me that you and I need to just love each other…And I do. I really do I love you.”

Xander smiled at the words, feeling a sense of happiness and relief flow through him like he’d just been given another dose of morphine.

“And I love you too.”

Richard faltered for a moment, glancing to the door before turning his attention back to Xander, and in leaning ever so carefully over, their lips connected.

The warm softness of Richard’s lips made Xander moan just slightly, his tongue reaching out to have more but was disappointed when they parted.

“Are you okay?” Richard asked, concerned by the noise the other man made.

“It was a happy noise, really it was. I wish I hadn’t needed to almost die for this to finally happen.” He saw Richard’s expression change and felt a pang of guilt, “I didn’t mean…Sorry. That came out wrong.”

“No you’re…you’re right.” He shook his head. This wasn’t how he wanted their first moments together to go, “Do you think I can hug you without hurting you?”

“You can try, just be careful. My ribs ache like buggery. Hopefully one of the nurses will be round soon and give me some relief.”

Like handling a china doll, Richard ever so carefully put his arms around Xander’s shoulders and not squeezing for fear of causing pain.

Xander held him in return, trying to hide the hitches in his breath as he felt little flourishes of pain stab into him. He felt wetness on his neck as Richard let out a small sob.

“It wasn’t your fault, Rich. None of this is your fault.” His own voice filling with emotion, “Neither of us could have expected something like this to have happened.”

“I know, but still I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you the same way I lost Leo.”

“It’s okay though. I’m still here. I’m a bit battered, but could have been worse.”

“Very true”. He pulled back and again took Xander’s head in his hands, kissing him again and enjoying the feel, “I’ll do all I can to help you through your recovery.”

“You don’t have to, but I appreciate it.”

“Well I have at least have a downstairs bedroom and toilet with a shower. And yes, the shower hose has been replaced.”

”Okay, you’ve convinced me.”

“Like it would take much? By the way, apparently you told your mum we were getting married.”  
  


Xander’s eyes widened before frowning in confusion.  
  


“I honestly don’t remember that. Oh that’s so embarrassing.”

He said, putting his hands to his face.

Richard couldn’t help by laugh, gently squeezing his arm before taking his hand again.

“Don’t worry about it. For now, let’s focus on getting you back to being you.”

Slowly but with determination, Xander got back on his feet and as he stepped into the Pointless studio once again, albeit walking with the aid of a cane and a stool. The audience whooped and hollered in delight on seeing him, making him blush as he greeted them all and thanked them for coming.

As the theme tune started to play, the two men smiled at each other, Xander tapping the tune on his podium and Richard’s palm patting flat against the desk.

Meanwhile at the back of the audience, Michael watched them as they bantered. The long looks and smiles were surely a clear giveaway to anyone with eyes as to just how much they were in love.

And that was how it was meant to be.


End file.
